Selfish
by Twilighthighqueenbee
Summary: Bella learns that selfishness is a matter of perspective – but the lesson isn’t an easy one. A dark oneshot


A/N: no idea why I put it up but anyways enjoy

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

His face beside me in the moonlight was harsh; his cheeks were hollow, his eyebrows drawn low over dark pits, his mouth set unhappily. Everything about him screamed discontentment and desperation – and I was powerless. He was rejecting everything I said, my words bouncing uselessly against closed ears.

'Maybe we should go inside,' I suggested again, my voice sounding strained even to me.

He made no reply and there was no acknowledgment that he had heard my words. I wondered if I looked just as waxen as he did in the moonlight. We sat in silence for another few minutes, a gentle wind sliding around us, whispering through the trees.

My house was right on the edge of town and the mountains seemed to loom over us, hunched giants waiting for the world to end so they could collapse down onto the ground and sleep again in comfort. Now it felt like they were leaning over us, listening, watching.

Somewhere in the forest a fox barked. I jumped.

I wished again that my parents hadn't gone out, that I wasn't alone with him – I was too young to deal with this. Childishly, I cursed my parents; adults were never around when I actually needed them. This point, here, now, was when they were supposed to step forward and clear everything up with unassailable logic. I just couldn't do this.

'C'mon,' I said again, shivering but not from the mild night air. 'Let's go inside. I don't want to sit here in the dark any longer.'

'But the dark is so nice.' He said those words in a way that I didn't like. 'So quiet. And it hides everything.'

'You know,' I said with a stupid, breathy chuckle, 'you're really starting to scare me, Adam.'

Teeth flashed in the moonlight and he laughed, quietly. 'Am I? Sometimes, Cathy, I scare myself.'

I stood. This wasn't going well. It felt dangerous, and not because I was several meters off the ground and perilously close to the edge of the roof.

'Let's go into town.' Now it was I who came across as desperate. 'See a movie or something.'

'The cinemas are closed by now, silly.' He smiled but stood with a grunt of effort. 'All right. Let's go inside.'

I hoped that my sigh of relief wasn't too obvious. I was sure that, away from the night air and the call of the immense, open sky, I could talk some sense into him. I followed him through my parents' window and downstairs.

He sat down on the couch and I turned on all the lights, hoping that their bright glare would chase out his dark thoughts. Purple shadows lay beneath his gorgeous green eyes, and the line emerging between his brows was more visible. He was only nineteen – nineteen years old.

I sat down beside him, noticing how he slumped against the ugly brown cushions, and I hesitated with my hand on the remote. It didn't seem appropriate to turn the TV on, as if its harsh colors and false emotion would be obscene in this setting. I let the remote control drop onto the cluttered coffee table.

I rearranged myself so that I could watch both him and the clock on the far wall. Its hands moved sluggishly and his gaze barely wavered from whatever point he had fixed it on in the messy room. I was waiting, anxiously, for something – my parents' return, the phone to ring, for a good joke to pop into my head… anything to break the silence that stretched between us.

The minutes ticked past and eventually I shifted, sat up straighter. As if my movement had broken a spell he, too, moved – stood, and stretched. It was painfully apparent how much weight he had lost lately. He looked down at me from his great height and gave a shadow of his old smile – but his eyes didn't light up, and his frowning brow didn't relax.

'I'm sorry, Bella,' he said, too cheerfully. 'I'm not being very good company, I know. I'll go now.'

'No.' I leapt up. 'Adam, don't go. Please.'

Again he gave that faint smile, but he was moving away, heading towards the door.

'No, I think I will. Goodbye, Bella.'

He was out the door before I emerged from my panicked indecision. Why hadn't someone ever told us how to deal with these sorts of situations? How to connect to someone who didn't seem to be there any more? It would have been a bloody deal more use than the algebra they had forced down our throats at school.

My frozen body came to life and I bumped the coffee table as I bolted for the door, but I didn't feel the pain of a bruised shin. I caught him as he reached the driveway; his dark clothes made him seem like a shadow without a body in the silvery light of the moon.

'Wait! Edward, wait!'

He turned slowly, reluctantly. The moon was behind him now – I couldn't see his features but nonetheless I peered upwards intensely, craning my neck.

'Don't! I know what you're going to do, Edward, so don't!' Oh, wow. So eloquent, Bella.

'What do you think I'm going to do, little one?' he said, and I could hear the gentle smile in his voice as he used his pet name for me – something I hadn't heard in years.

I hadn't realized I was crying but the warm dampness trickling down my cheek alerted me. My heart was pounding and adrenalin was pumping through my body at a fierce rate; I felt breathless, as if I'd just run a long distance. My hand was cold and shaking as I took his lifeless one in a frantic grip.

'If you're planning on killing yourself, Edward, don't you even dare think about it! Do you know how selfish that would be? Everyone-'

'Selfish?'

The word was snapped so viciously that I fell silent. I resisted the impulse to step back as he suddenly loomed over me, very tall and dark in the night.

'Don't talk to me about selfish! I've been told that my whole life – don't be so egotistical, put others before yourself for once, don't be so self-centred!' His voice rose as he imitated his mother's bossy tone in a horrific parody. 'But you know what? It damn well runs both ways. If you want me to keep on living like this just so you don't have to mourn my death, if you want me to keep on existing in this hell just so you can stay comfortable, then you're the selfish one! You and the rest of this depraved world can bloody well think on that, Bella!'

He kissed me suddenly, his lips hard on mine, and turned and stalked away. He disappeared within seconds in the dark shadows beneath the trees and I stood staring after him for a very long time, paralysed by the sobs stealing my breath and wrapping their constricting hands around my chest. His voice rang in my ears.

Selfish.

A/N: PLEASE REVIEW IT'S A ONE- SHOT


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